Heated discussion, anyone?

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

After experiencing some heated discussion in the past month (both witnessing and being a part of), I thought again of John Gottman’s research on the importance of relational positivity (it’s best to have at least a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative encounters!). His focus is on couples, but the principles apply to many relationships, and may be especially pertinent now during discussions this election season.

Here's a few suggestions (offered on Gottman’s web site: http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/):

· Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot," not "We never have any fun." A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity.

· Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," it might indicate a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

· Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

· Soften your "start up." Bring up problems gently and without blame. Avoid making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone, especially at the start.

· Seek help early. The average couple lives with unhappiness far too long, waiting six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years).

· Have high standards. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

Avoiding a quarrel is honorable. After all, any stubborn fool can start a fight. Proverbs 20:3