but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Happier couples know how to avoid damaging out-of-control arguments. Successful attempts to chill an argument include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
Taking time to calm may be especially important to the guy. In an interview posted online (“The Mathematics of Love: A John Gottman Talk” at http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/gottman05/gottman05_index.html)
Gottman reports finding significant gender differences when there is disagreement on an issue. A man is angrier presenting the issue than a woman would be. A woman, when receiving an issue, is much more sad than a man would be receiving that same issue.
Why? He says, “Women are finely tuned to attaching and connecting and to sadness and loss and grief, while men are attuned to defend, stay vigilant, attack, to anger… men have a lower flash point for increasing heart-rate arousal, and it takes them longer to recover. And not only that, but when men are trying to recover, and calm down, they can't do it very well because they keep naturally rehearsing thoughts of righteous indignation and feeling like an innocent victim. They maintain their own vigilance and arousal with these thoughts, mostly of getting even, whereas women really can distract themselves and calm down physiologically from being angered or being upset about something.”
Wishes for calm all around!
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Proverbs 12:16
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